12.11.03
imagining
doors.
&
walls
that
don’t
have
any.
doors.
&
walls
that
don’t
have
any.
9.11.03
afternoon notes
writing in spanish for me is getting into my mother. obscurity happens too much there. as i am sure happens too for natural born english users. i call ‘mother’ the state in which thought and language are one. this is not what happens to me when i write in english. when i write in english mother disappears. first, i think, then i stop. language in this case is not what comes simultaneously with thought. i need fabrication.
*
language can come after anything, before anything, between anything. language is a dimension. not a subject or a set of relations. language shapes space in a similar way times does. language deforms space, and finds in it other ‘gravitational’ forces. language is also influenced by time and the prior three dimensions. sometimes language becomes trapped in them. or confused with them. language appears to just be another inhabitant in them, losing itself in that thought or position. but originally language is dimensional. language is present after, before and between time and the prior three. goes through them. what language does, how language is, how language tunnels, flows, divides, how language attracts, separates, indetermines, is indescribable.
*
lao tse came close to describe how the language dimension operates. he called that ‘tao’. strings-theory is also a very close methaphor. language is part of that kind of system of laws.
*
language is nor a flux nor mechanical. language is both. so at the same time language is natural and artificial. not a particle not a wave. language opens. language is fundamentally an opening in the space-time complex. what is between me and the telephone? a series of histories, a series of thoughts that builds a field of action and emotion in the space-time between, among, before and after the telephone and me. language puts other objects, subjects, events, feelings, images, between the telephone and me. the space-time created, the field of though, feeling and action created is different from the physical and temporal distance between us. writing i’m trying to grasp what language really is. i’m getting close, but then language makes it’s functioning invisible, unthinkable.
*
loves operates in a very similar way to language. loves also con fill and deform space-time. it also brings and separates. language and love could be two aspects of one single force or dimension in the universe.
*
after you stop drinking, many things go, but the thirst stays. a thirst which is never satisfied with what you sacrifice to it. drinking you try to destroy the hole, put liquid into. of course, the hole gets bigger. sharks start to live there. the hole takes the shape of a religious place, a fountain or ocean you don’t want to show to anybody, because in that secret body of water may lie god or death. then you stop. the hole disappears, the water dries. you suffered too much from it. but the thirsts doesn’t go. that thirst is the possibility of bringing the hole again or the possibility of transforming everything into a liquid state.
writing in spanish for me is getting into my mother. obscurity happens too much there. as i am sure happens too for natural born english users. i call ‘mother’ the state in which thought and language are one. this is not what happens to me when i write in english. when i write in english mother disappears. first, i think, then i stop. language in this case is not what comes simultaneously with thought. i need fabrication.
*
language can come after anything, before anything, between anything. language is a dimension. not a subject or a set of relations. language shapes space in a similar way times does. language deforms space, and finds in it other ‘gravitational’ forces. language is also influenced by time and the prior three dimensions. sometimes language becomes trapped in them. or confused with them. language appears to just be another inhabitant in them, losing itself in that thought or position. but originally language is dimensional. language is present after, before and between time and the prior three. goes through them. what language does, how language is, how language tunnels, flows, divides, how language attracts, separates, indetermines, is indescribable.
*
lao tse came close to describe how the language dimension operates. he called that ‘tao’. strings-theory is also a very close methaphor. language is part of that kind of system of laws.
*
language is nor a flux nor mechanical. language is both. so at the same time language is natural and artificial. not a particle not a wave. language opens. language is fundamentally an opening in the space-time complex. what is between me and the telephone? a series of histories, a series of thoughts that builds a field of action and emotion in the space-time between, among, before and after the telephone and me. language puts other objects, subjects, events, feelings, images, between the telephone and me. the space-time created, the field of though, feeling and action created is different from the physical and temporal distance between us. writing i’m trying to grasp what language really is. i’m getting close, but then language makes it’s functioning invisible, unthinkable.
*
loves operates in a very similar way to language. loves also con fill and deform space-time. it also brings and separates. language and love could be two aspects of one single force or dimension in the universe.
*
after you stop drinking, many things go, but the thirst stays. a thirst which is never satisfied with what you sacrifice to it. drinking you try to destroy the hole, put liquid into. of course, the hole gets bigger. sharks start to live there. the hole takes the shape of a religious place, a fountain or ocean you don’t want to show to anybody, because in that secret body of water may lie god or death. then you stop. the hole disappears, the water dries. you suffered too much from it. but the thirsts doesn’t go. that thirst is the possibility of bringing the hole again or the possibility of transforming everything into a liquid state.
notes
*
it appears you are not going to find the way out soon. not until you let go your sick desire of total control.
what follows is confusion or entertainment. what follows is shadows.
*
the only way i had of loving her was to be totally drunk. i was in denial of another love. so i was drunk all the time. “i was in love”.
*
it is impossible to be autobiographical in writing. “i” can never happen here. even if we intended to be confessional, cannot happen. cannot.
*
i’m studying a master’s degree in psychotherapy. but i’m becoming more ‘insane’ every day. i’m even in a point where i sometimes feel ‘happy’.
*
to write. a waste of time. a proof that existence is even less significant.
*
i really admire american writing. it has an edge not everywhere is being pursued. but sometimes it’s too technical, too desperate to be less and less human, just like the government.
*
the greatest mexican thinker may be guillermo bonfil batalla. he concluded in one of his last writings, mexico was immersed in a project of substituting our culture. why? our history is to heavy to carry. we want to be more ‘light’. that’s why we are turning ‘american’.
*
living is not always possible. how to survive is the key.
*
letters we wrote. opportunities we fail.
*
"technically speaking, we lost vision"
*
i don't understand, therefore, i exist in this epoch.
*
the u.s. is becoming the new model for a totalitarian state. this is very interesting. the soviets, the chinese, the 'others' were to quick to install total control. they were vulgar and explicit, desperate. the u.s. waited. the u.s., as mexico in it's own domestic way, secretly aspired to achieve a perfect dictatorship, an invisible one. this is history unfolding, making itself clear: the u.s. is the main force in the world to slave others. market driven politics. the u.s. is going to lose itself, without even the opportunity of having known what the 'u.s.' meant, because it meant nothing. it's a sad thing, but lets be honest about it: the u.s. was created purely for explotation purposes.
*
time creates space. space creates action. action creates subjects. subjects create community. community creates values. values create judgement. and it all began with "time".
*
national identity is not a collection of features, eternal ones. national identity is a pattern, a series of patterns, on how to transform yourself. mexican identity is dissappearing. this is for me the central knowledge which calls me to write. we are dying.
*
i've been reading to much kierkegaard. realizing his quest of paradox pre-wrote the tractatus. kierkegaard is seen as the father of the existential crew. that reading is very superficial. what kierkegaard accomplished was making the writing subject absurd. just like pessoa. voice is unavoidable. but voice can be play with. mocked. voice can be simulated. i sometimes get lots of fun reading writers who think they have no voice, because fragmentation brings them closer to a new center, a no-center. this project is heroic, but it's useless. in a very strange way is part of the romantic project. voice grows anywhere. i'm not talking/writing in behalf of voice, by the way. just in recognition of a terrible path: voice appears in writing because god has not been forgotten.
*
music makes.
*
i decided this morning is going to be a morning of writing with no book purpose. this morning comes after several months of equlibrium in which i lost the fear of chaos. to celebrate writing is something else and not what i think it is. i always have definitions, this is why aphorisms come so immediately to me. but writing is not well defined, and this is something i remember when i write not in my language. i can imagine others are surprised about the fact itself of writing, i feel that too when i write in spanish, but when i write in english i feel something else. writing is really weird. writing wasn't supposed to be. writing we get closer to something we are not, something which is nor god nor animal. 'othernes' is here a word that can help, but not very well. we get lost by writing. we get anywhere. but this is an illusion, buddha would say, this is not real, this is just maya, he would say before writing himself.
*
an orgasm is nothing but the body's desire to destroy itself in a beautiful way. orgasms were created by the mind in order for us to reach aesthetic deaths.
*
to write forever the same, over and over to write the same. writing is always a mistery, always a common place. to write brings. those forces that haven't been described yet, as if yet could be. who's the one who writes? who's the one who's two? writing wanted to be liberated from history, wanted to escape the law of gravity, and let the spare parts divide until no object nor subject could be described or named. describing or naming became imposible facts. sometimes i don't write in a certain mode, sometimes i practice a kind of silence, that doesn't mean, of course, real silence is there. silence cannot be reach. between A and B there's no natural C. C comes after.
*
it appears you are not going to find the way out soon. not until you let go your sick desire of total control.
what follows is confusion or entertainment. what follows is shadows.
*
the only way i had of loving her was to be totally drunk. i was in denial of another love. so i was drunk all the time. “i was in love”.
*
it is impossible to be autobiographical in writing. “i” can never happen here. even if we intended to be confessional, cannot happen. cannot.
*
i’m studying a master’s degree in psychotherapy. but i’m becoming more ‘insane’ every day. i’m even in a point where i sometimes feel ‘happy’.
*
to write. a waste of time. a proof that existence is even less significant.
*
i really admire american writing. it has an edge not everywhere is being pursued. but sometimes it’s too technical, too desperate to be less and less human, just like the government.
*
the greatest mexican thinker may be guillermo bonfil batalla. he concluded in one of his last writings, mexico was immersed in a project of substituting our culture. why? our history is to heavy to carry. we want to be more ‘light’. that’s why we are turning ‘american’.
*
living is not always possible. how to survive is the key.
*
letters we wrote. opportunities we fail.
*
"technically speaking, we lost vision"
*
i don't understand, therefore, i exist in this epoch.
*
the u.s. is becoming the new model for a totalitarian state. this is very interesting. the soviets, the chinese, the 'others' were to quick to install total control. they were vulgar and explicit, desperate. the u.s. waited. the u.s., as mexico in it's own domestic way, secretly aspired to achieve a perfect dictatorship, an invisible one. this is history unfolding, making itself clear: the u.s. is the main force in the world to slave others. market driven politics. the u.s. is going to lose itself, without even the opportunity of having known what the 'u.s.' meant, because it meant nothing. it's a sad thing, but lets be honest about it: the u.s. was created purely for explotation purposes.
*
time creates space. space creates action. action creates subjects. subjects create community. community creates values. values create judgement. and it all began with "time".
*
national identity is not a collection of features, eternal ones. national identity is a pattern, a series of patterns, on how to transform yourself. mexican identity is dissappearing. this is for me the central knowledge which calls me to write. we are dying.
*
i've been reading to much kierkegaard. realizing his quest of paradox pre-wrote the tractatus. kierkegaard is seen as the father of the existential crew. that reading is very superficial. what kierkegaard accomplished was making the writing subject absurd. just like pessoa. voice is unavoidable. but voice can be play with. mocked. voice can be simulated. i sometimes get lots of fun reading writers who think they have no voice, because fragmentation brings them closer to a new center, a no-center. this project is heroic, but it's useless. in a very strange way is part of the romantic project. voice grows anywhere. i'm not talking/writing in behalf of voice, by the way. just in recognition of a terrible path: voice appears in writing because god has not been forgotten.
*
music makes.
*
i decided this morning is going to be a morning of writing with no book purpose. this morning comes after several months of equlibrium in which i lost the fear of chaos. to celebrate writing is something else and not what i think it is. i always have definitions, this is why aphorisms come so immediately to me. but writing is not well defined, and this is something i remember when i write not in my language. i can imagine others are surprised about the fact itself of writing, i feel that too when i write in spanish, but when i write in english i feel something else. writing is really weird. writing wasn't supposed to be. writing we get closer to something we are not, something which is nor god nor animal. 'othernes' is here a word that can help, but not very well. we get lost by writing. we get anywhere. but this is an illusion, buddha would say, this is not real, this is just maya, he would say before writing himself.
*
an orgasm is nothing but the body's desire to destroy itself in a beautiful way. orgasms were created by the mind in order for us to reach aesthetic deaths.
*
to write forever the same, over and over to write the same. writing is always a mistery, always a common place. to write brings. those forces that haven't been described yet, as if yet could be. who's the one who writes? who's the one who's two? writing wanted to be liberated from history, wanted to escape the law of gravity, and let the spare parts divide until no object nor subject could be described or named. describing or naming became imposible facts. sometimes i don't write in a certain mode, sometimes i practice a kind of silence, that doesn't mean, of course, real silence is there. silence cannot be reach. between A and B there's no natural C. C comes after.
